Harvey came along very unexpected. For those of you just joining us on here, we are expecting a little boy, mid-May. We got married, last May. The big "plan" was to wait a couple/few years, then start working to welcome little ones to the world.
But that's all a big joke now. Very funny.
We are thankful for how it's happened, for it has reminded us that we are not ultimately in control, and honestly, that is reassuring. No matter what your belief is beyond the physical and visible on this earth, I'm glad to know my hope lies in something way beyond me, and way beyond what this earth has to offer.
I have (and will continue to at times) controlled things in the past. And although some things seemed to work out okay, ultimately I have (and will) mess something up. I will fail. I will fail you. I will fail myself.
We are humans. That's what we do. No matter how "good" you think the human spirit inherently is; we will fail at some point.
I think it's because of that that I'm realizing the different levels of reality associated with bringing a new human to earth. One that I will be responsible for. One that will be completely dependent upon me and Sarah, for many years to come.
And we will fail him.
Simultaneously, we will love him with all of our hearts, day in and day out. But even that is not enough.
Parents are not perfect. They can't be. We will not be.
I have endless delusions of grandeur when it comes to Harvey: I won't do what I saw that parent do, I won't say what that dad said, I'll be fair, and reliable, and won't lose my temper. I'll be a good dad and always treat my son well.
But this is not reality.
I'm getting closer to the actual level of reality (the only one) with each day closer to his arrival. The time we spent at the baby/maternity consignment sale tonight sped that process up (and inspired this blog).
One thing I do know, I'm going to try with all of the might I have, combined with the love of my Savior through me and the love of my beautiful bride, to love this child, no matter what tomorrow, the next day or next year, may hold.
2 comments:
this is gonna be one blessed little harvey to have you and sarah as his mommy and daddy.
i love reading your blogs...and harvey will too one day!
Its crazy what you find yourself doing/saying. All of a sudden - and everyone says this - you find yourself in a position where you have more respect for your own parents than you could ever imagine. Suddenly everything they did/said, every time they lost their tempers, every dream they seemed to believe to be a distant memory because they chose to be a parent - it all makes sense. its amazing. But beautiful. And never regretful. I lose sleep about twice a week, laying in bed crying about how I punished Joey with a pop on the bottom and made him cry. The first time Harvey will cry because of punishment or a pop on the bottom ...you will actually hear your heart break in half, and you will grab frantically at the moment that just past, trying to get it back, hoping that you can relive it over again in a more positive way. But you must always just trust the Lord to guide you. We're not always going to do things 'right' and our kids will sit in counseling someday talking about how we weren't fair - but then when they look into the eyes of their first child, they'll get it. And it will change your relationship with Harvey (and your other kiddos!) forever more. Just keep FAITH! :)
xoxo to you and Sarah! Sorry I got lengthy.... wish I could sit and have coffee and dinner with yall instead!
kate
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